


The Bunnies and the Bees

by beetlebee



Series: Kagumo AU [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Farce, Gen, Humor, Kagumo AU, Time Travel, featuring pokeball baby kakashi, sakumo did not get the birds and the bees talk, tsunade is done with life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 14:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17163932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetlebee/pseuds/beetlebee
Summary: “What the hell is that,” Tsunade says, squinting at the pale lavender sphere on the kitchen table. It’s sitting in a nest of blankets.“It’s my baby,” Sakumo says proudly, giving the outside a soothing rub.Tsunade stares at him, then the sphere, and then back to him. “Your baby. That’s your baby.”“Well, of course,” Sakumo nods. “He showed up right after Kaguya and I, well, you know.” Sakumo looks down at the sphere to coo at it. “You started so small, didn’t you? You’re growing so well, I think!”Tsunade pinches the bridge of her nose. “Hatake, please don’t tell me I have to give you the birds and the bees talk.”---(The perfectly normal story of Kakashi's birth)





	The Bunnies and the Bees

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this nonsense from my Kagumo AU, borne from the depths of discord. Special thanks to keepyourpantsongohan for inspiring this idea.

Tsunade throws herself onto the well-worn couch in the hospital break room with a groan. Today was relentless, and she’s mustering up the energy to drag herself home. A nap first sounds perfect. 

She’s out for maybe thirty minutes when her eyes snap open and she cranes her neck at the creak of the door. Jiraiya wanders in and sits on the edge of the couch, deathly quiet. He’s staring at nothing, like a shell shocked idiot, and it’s weirding Tsunade out.  

She grumbles and jabs him in the side with her foot. “The fuck’s wrong with you?” 

“Sakumo’s got a baby,” he blurts out, not looking at her.

Tsunade’s mouth drops open. “Sakumo has a  _ kid?” _

“A  _ baby,” _ he repeats, turning to her, wild-eyed. 

She hefts herself up from the break-room couch and grabs her robe, exhaustion evaporated for the moment. “This I gotta see; where the fuck was he hiding a baby?” Why didn’t Tsunade hear about this before? Where was the mom? 

“Was it a home birth?” she mutters to herself. 

“I—I guess? It’s, uh—“ Jiraiya’s expression turns vaguely pained. 

She narrows her eyes. “What is it,” she asks, voice edging to dangerous. If there was something wrong with a child and Jiraiya wasn’t telling her—

“No!” Jiraiya yelps. “It's nothing  _ bad,” _ he laughs nervously, which doesn’t set Tsunade at ease. “But you know what, why don’t you go over there and see for yourself. I’m not gonna say  _ anything else.”  _

—

“Oh, Tsunade!” Sakumo greets with a confused smile. “I wasn’t expecting you.”   


“Heard a rumor that you had an ankle biter running around in here,” she offers, looking past Sakumo into his house for any signs of a brat.  

“Well, no, not running around quite yet,” Sakumo laughs. “Did Jiraiya tell you about him?” 

“He mentioned it, yeah,” Tsunade admits. “I wanted to see for myself, since you didn’t  _ tell me _ you had a kid.” 

Sakumo looks suitably apologetic. “I hadn’t told anyone yet, but Jiraiya found out. He even didn't stay for very long; I think he gets nervous around babies,” he jokes.

Tsunade snorts at that. “Doesn’t surprise me; Jiraiya was garbage at our babysitting D Ranks as genin.” 

“Babysitting as a D Rank, huh,” Sakumo comments. It always surprises Tsunade that she forgets how Sakumo has only been in the village, living in  _ any _ village, for about a year now. He fits in like he’s been here all his life. 

Which makes the whole baby thing even more fucking weird. 

“So how old is he?” she asks instead, trying to fish for answers. 

Sakumo opens his mouth and then pauses. “That’s a good question,” he admits. “You could say he’s not technically born yet?” 

“Huh?” Why didn’t Jiraiya say that? Then where’s the mystery mom? 

“But I’ve had him for almost a year now,” he smiles, a little sad. “Ever since Kaguya gave him to me and sent us to this time.” 

What. 

“And if it’s alright, can you do a check up on him?” Sakumo asks, a little anxious, as if he didn’t just say something so fucking crazy. “I want to make sure he’s growing right.”    


“...Right.” Tsunade is just... going to assume she imagined half of this conversation. She’s on the end of a twelve hour hospital shift. She’s  _ tired _ . But she also takes any child’s health seriously. “Where is the kid, then?“ 

“In here.” Sakumo walks them through to the kitchen, and over to the table, but Tsunade stops dead in the middle of the doorway. 

“What the hell is that,” she says, squinting at the pale lavender sphere on the kitchen table. It’s sitting in a nest of blankets.    
  
“It’s my baby,” Sakumo says proudly, giving the outside a soothing rub.    
  
Tsunade stares at him, then the sphere, and then back to him. “Your baby.  _ That’s  _ your baby.”    
  
“Well, of course,” Sakumo nods. “He showed up right after Kaguya and I, well,  _ you know.”  _ Sakumo looks down at the sphere to coo at it. “You started so small, didn’t you? You’re growing so well, I think!”    
  
Tsunade pinches the bridge of her nose. “Hatake,  _ please _ don’t tell me I have to give you the  _ birds and the bees _ talk.”    
  
Sakumo blinks at her. “The what now,” he asks.    
  
At that moment, the sphere shifts from side to side. “Bah!” it squeaks.    
  
“What the FUCK?” Tsunade hollers, jumping back.    
  
“Language!” Sakumo chides, covering the sides of the sphere with his hands.    
  
“What the shit,” she amends, creeping back towards the table. “Did that ball just talk?”    


“He started making sounds like that a few weeks ago,” Sakumo starts to gush. “He even rolled fully over once! Almost fell off the bed, though, which was scary, hence the blankets now,” he pats said pile of blankets, and then fluffs them up again. 

Tsunade shuts her eyes and counts to ten. She opens them again and—nope, the baby ball is still there. She sighs and rolls up her sleeves, resigning herself to take a closer look. Grandma Mito always joking about hatching from an egg doesn’t feel quite so funny anymore. 

She lays a hand on the surface, and tries not to breathe a sigh of relief that it doesn’t move. She probes the sphere with a gentle diagnostic jutsu, but furrows her brow. The indicators she’s getting are nonsensical; this thing has chakra patterns that she’s never experienced all together before. Then again, she’s never found herself examining a damn ball as if it were a baby before, either. 

“Did—” Tsunade tries to recall the name, “—Kaguya mention how long it would take for your baby to… hatch?” 

Sakumo shakes his head. “I guessed it might be nine months, but that’s already passed. Maybe it takes longer? All the baby books I tried weren’t very helpful.” 

Tsunade can only fucking imagine. “And, uh, Kaguya didn’t have any other directions for you?” she asks, already dreading the answer as the chakra levels she’s detecting start to increase, and won’t stop rising. 

Sakumo sighs, terribly sad. “She just had enough time to give him to me and tell me to protect him in the future, or until she could escape the moon again.” 

Tsunade’s head is spinning, and she dearly wishes it was from alcohol. So she didn’t imagine that conversation earlier. Just great. Maybe Sakumo needs to talk to someone. Maybe Tsunade needs her own head examined for going along with this. 

Maybe she should drag Jiraiya back here and ask him to help explain what the fuck is going on.

Tsunade nods to herself. Backup might be a good idea. “Alright,” she says to Sakumo, as she moves towards the door, “I’ll be right back—“ 

—Which is right when the ball detonates in a flashbang of light and chakra. Tsunade ducks; the pressure explodes around the kitchen in a shockwave, knocking down chairs, shelves and overturning the table along with Sakumo with sheer power.   
  
After a few breathless moments, Tsunade peers out from where she’s crouched behind the semi-collapsed wall. Within the wreckage sits what appears to all the world to be a normal baby boy, with a wild head of grey hair. He looks more like a one-year-old than a newborn, and also looks singularly unimpressed with the kitchen.    
  
“Kakashi!” Sakumo gasps, delighted, rolling out from underneath the table debris to marvel at his son.    
  
With that, the dour boy  _ lights up. _ “Dada!” Kakashi cries and waves up his little arms, demanding to be held by his father.    
  
Sakumo crouches and lifts him up, laughing. “Look at you! Aren’t you the best, most perfect baby ever? You are!” he coos, as if the exploding sphere didn’t just demolish half of his kitchen.

“Hmm,” Tsunade kicks a battered chair up onto its legs and drops into it. She eyes the destruction, and the baby, and Sakumo’s look of besotted wonder for his son, and decides she’s going to give up and roll with it. 

“Let me give the kid a quick once-over,” she says, holding out her hands. Sakumo quickly complies; Kakashi looks a little disgruntled to get handed off to her, but he doesn’t cry or pout, either. She weighs him in her hands, and estimates his height. “Yep, looks about twelve months. Everything seems fine, but took you long enough, huh, kiddo?” she says to the boy, and he kicks at her.    


“Oh good,” Sakumo says, relieved. “You know, maybe he didn’t want to be born until he got to meet you.” Sakumo takes Kakashi back and hoists him up to rest against Sakumo’s shoulder. “We should get your lucky auntie Tsunade a gift, pup,” Sakumo theatrically whispers to his son. “A crate of sake?”

This is another reason Tsunade forgets Sakumo is a newcomer to Konoha: he absolutely knows how to butter her up. “If you  _ insist,”  _ she says, a smile finally threatening to cross her face. “Let me crash on your couch too, and I’ll help you get him registered tomorrow.” Tsunade has to admit, Kakashi’s a cute kid, but she also can’t wait to see the look on Hiruzen’s face when Sakumo comes walking in to the Administration Building tomorrow morning with a toddler. 

She’ll try and solve the whole time travel mystery later. Maybe. If she feels like it.  


End file.
